There is no book on how to be the best friend to your friend who is dying of cancer. There's no Friends of Those with Metastasized Breast Cancer For Dummies. No autobiography of What I Appreciated Most From My Friends As Cancer Tried To Kill Me. I know this because I LOOKED. Amazon failed me.
Cancer is killing my friend and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.
I don't know what it is like to have cancer. I don't know what I'm suppose to be doing while my friend is going through this. I don't know How To Fix This. I'm totally helpless to do a thing about this. And I'm not good at this.
And you know what else? I'm pissed. THIS IS NOT FAIR. I'm yelling that while I beat our beloved Dammit J Doll against the wall. My friend does not deserve this. She should not be fighting this uphill battle. We should be talking about the upcoming season of Bachelor or when we are going to meet up and get our tattoos. Except today? Today I've got this weight on my heart and these tears behind my eyes. I'm trying to find the happy side to all this crap and there isn't one. And I'm selfish here because I Want Her Healed. I want her miracle. I am praying every single day - in the morning, in the middle of the night and it's like I'm talking to a wall with the answer that keeps coming up no - or maybe it's not now - or I just don't know and I don't want to hear about plans and all of this working out when the only thing my heart can take right now is her getting better. Today my heart is breaking in to a million little pieces because this stupid cancer just won't stop.
We use humor in stressful situations. We crack jokes at times you wouldn't normally crack a joke. We are a fierce group that loves with all our hearts and can fill a post with 2341 comments in less than an hour all of it Pure Comedy Gold.
But today my heart hurts so much. I'm so angry that cancer is killing one of my sweetest friends.
And I just don't know what to do other than love my friend. And that feels like I'm doing nothing.
